Thought for the Week: Not knowing
Jane Pearn reflects on not knowing
In the light of recent discussions I find myself perplexed: am I a theist or a nontheist? It all depends on what you mean by ‘_ist’. I take an _ist to be someone who has come to a conclusion: in this case, about the nature of ultimate reality. For them there is, or there is not, a dimension called God, and they view all the complexities of existence through this lens. But supposing I’m not an _ist?
Suppose that when I’m offered an either/or choice, I find myself to be a ‘sometimes this/sometimes that’ person, or even a ‘both at once’ person?
My God-image is not of any agent or actor external to me; but it is a place – the place of unity and truth. I find it within me. The truth about myself, about my relationship to other people and to the world; the indivisible unity of all beings. I try (and fail rather too often) to live in this awareness. It’s a place I choose to approach whenever I can (of course I can’t be fully there – it’s absolute, I’m a mere human): in times of quiet reflection; during Meeting for Worship; with others; or on my own. In prayer, too. And then, because it comes more naturally, I speak to this ‘Being-that-isn’t-a-being’. I voice my thoughts, doubts and joys in words, though seldom aloud. I hold myself, and those I care for, in God’s light. When in difficulty, I call upon God’s help. Do I believe I have a listener? Or am I myself the listener, ‘deep calling to deep’? I honestly don’t know. Does it matter that I don’t know? I’m not sure that it does.
And here’s the mystery. I don’t recognise the God of my childhood – the God with supra-human attributes, the God who intervenes in our affairs or responds to our pleas. But I have had direct encounter, three times, with something that might be named as ‘God’. An all-encompassing Presence, more overwhelming, more intense than I have words for; as limitless as space and as tiny as a molecule; with a direct, personal relationship to me; a void – and yet – a voice. Each time, it was not comforting but terrifying.
I neither believe nor disbelieve: these have been my experiences. Words are words, thoughts are thoughts, notions are notions: they are not the thing itself.
Dear Friends, a binary choice is too limiting for me. I’m content to live with not knowing; with the understanding that whatever I think, it’s entirely possible – even probable – that I may be mistaken. And in case it closes a door, some of us don’t wish to be any kind of _ist.
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