Thou art the man
Joel C Wallenberg raises a concern and urges corporate action
Too long had wrongs and oppressions existed without an acknowledged wrongdoer and oppressor. It was not until the slaveholder was told “Thou art the man” that a healthful agitation was brought about. Woman is told that the fault is herself, in too willingly submitting to her inferior condition; but, like the slave, she is pressed down by laws in the making of which she has had no voice, and crushed by customs that have grown out of such laws.
Lucretia Mott said these words in her address to the Women’s Rights Convention held in West Chester, Pennsylvania, on 2-3 June 1852.
I see a gaping wound in our Society’s corporate upholding of the Peace Testimony: male violence against women. It is so intense and ever-present that women can find themselves in a near-war zone state of alert, even in our relatively safe corner of the world. The situation is created by the actions of so many men in our patriarchal societies that, to an approximation, all men are implicated, and we are all injured by violence we perpetrate or indirectly facilitate.
A fatal progression
The Religious Society of Friends maintains a Peace Testimony, and yet we are not corporately and publicly addressing violence against women. I’d like to challenge men in our Society to search out whatever in their own way of life contains the seeds of this violence. In writing this, I know I can add little to the vast amount of work by real feminists who provide both facts and analysis better than I can. But I can state a concern, an ‘inward experience, that there is something that the Lord would have done, however obscure the way’, to quote Roger Wilson, an American Friend.
The way is indeed obscure, because the current reality is so bad that some feminists have given up trying to teach men altogether. The Femicide Census in England and Wales determines that, between 2009 and 2015, men murdered 936 women because they were women. That’s nearly three women per week, with 598 (63.9 per cent) murdered by current or former intimate partners. In the United States, murder is the most frequent cause of death for pregnant women. Their second leading cause of death was suicide, with 54.3 per cent of pregnancy-associated suicides appearing to stem from intimate partner conflict.
A particularly chilling observation is, ‘women twenty-four years of age and younger accounted for more than half (53.9 per cent) of the pregnancy-associated homicides… but make up only one-third (33.6 per cent) of all live births’. A study also showed that women are ten times more likely than men to be killed by strangulation. The non-fatal strangulation of a woman by her partner increases the odds of her being murdered by the same partner by seven-and-a-half times. Society is clearly failing to stop this fatal progression, and while homicides are declining worldwide, femicides are on the rise.
Turning a blind eye
Similarly heart-wrenching are two anecdotes, one from a Friend. Two women had injured themselves in accidents, and found themselves grateful that female friends inquired deeply to discover if they were telling the truth about their injuries. I did not realise that, for caring, world-sensitive women, an immediate response to an injury is considering whether it came from male violence, and whether the woman feels unable to say that.
The 1986 Swarthmore Lecture, given by the Quaker Women’s Group, also details stories of Quaker women who have experienced violence, often in childhood. Hazel Shellens, in an article on the lack of impact this lecture made, notes that some Quaker men refused to believe rape took place among Quakers. It does, and the refusal to believe this uncovers a need for deep discernment. The cases of rape uncovered at Swarthmore College and Sidwell Friends School in America should be enough to wake Friends’ attention, particularly middle-class Friends who may not see this as their problem.
The violence is asymmetric, systematic and widespread. In the language of Friends, there are seeds of violence that commonly underlie the various dangerous outgrowths we see. The asymmetry comes from physical and social asymmetries (such as patriarchy), which men exploit in order to deliver violence and get away with it. Given these conditions and opportunity, men show a trend of using violence to gain or maintain access to women’s bodies, control their behaviour (which is related), or express frustration at not getting what they want (which solidifies control).
Coercion and intimidation
Coercion and intimidation that stops short of physical violence is also commonplace and is often dismissed; or men may hurt women to express their frustration, because the power differential makes women a non-threatening outlet for anger. So, we have seeds of desire for access/control, willingness to use violent means, and willingness to exploit physical and societal conditions that make this easy to do. And, frighteningly, these seeds can operate unwittingly. Even without an intention to be violent, these seeds of violence bias the outcome of any conflict between a man and woman. Similarly, a male feeling of low self-esteem or fear of rejection can be a significant inward pain that leads to outward coercive action.
One reasonable response is to despair of deep change and put energy, instead, into protecting women from the ever-present threat, such as funding women’s refuges (for example, Rape Crisis Centres, which Local Meetings might build a relationship with). We should put effort here, particularly men. But, additionally, our Peace Testimony is our shared faith, experience, and witness to the world that ‘that of God’ inside everyone will respond when it is sought honestly, compassionately and with ‘undaunted patience’ – words used by Willim Charles Braithwaite in 1919 and quoted in Quaker faith & practice 23.13.
We hope no one is beyond a deep conversion to nonviolence. In this case, the needed change pertains to men, which is where these seeds of violence live. But we must decide communally to make this change, tapping the force of commitment that has always underlined our Peace Testimony. And how much of our current peace work interacts with these same seeds? As one essay in the 1986 Swarthmore Lecture argues (‘Wars Begin in the Minds of Men’), military violence is linked to the way young men are socialised to enact violence upon women. Note also the sexism in nuclear violence and disarmament. Yet, so far, I have found no minute from a Quaker body, aside from a mention by New Zealand Yearly Meeting in their 1987 Peace Statement, identifying violence against women as a concern (let alone a priority) in our witness for peace.
Exploring the concern
I shall end by asking Friends to explore this concern both within themselves and corporately. In the coming months I hope to begin this witness with other Quaker men by worshipfully inquiring into the seeds of violence within ourselves, as George Fox suggests in his Journal: ‘Taking notice of others’ cruelty, tyranny and persecution, turn your eye upon yourselves, and see what ye are doing at home.’ Some examples of queries I have in mind for myself and other Quaker men are:
- Have you ever felt entitled to interact with a woman when she doesn’t want to?
- Are you aware of the space you inhabit around women? Do you find yourself in their way?
- If a group of women founded a women’s-only town (no men allowed), and were happy and prosperous there, how would that make you feel? Why?
- Do you view women as fully people?
It is my hope and prayer that our Religious Society can corporately undertake action around sex and power as part of our Peace Testimony, and lead the way in challenging the wider society to do similarly. Friends can also do concrete good in this area by financially supporting their local women’s services/shelters, and countering the political threat against them.
It is time to rise to this considerable challenge to our Peace Testimony through a sustained witness, and, in the words of William Charles Braithwaite, to resolutely confront ‘the unawakened conscience of the world with the demands of the new light’ (Quaker faith & practice 23.13).
Further information: rapecrisis.org.uk
