The distance between
Tony D’Souza reflects on his relationship with God
Sometimes God seems so close. It is almost as though I could reach out and touch Him. I have had this experience a couple of times in Meeting. Yet, at other times God, or the Light, can seem far away. However, one thing is for sure – it is never Him that has moved.
I wonder what it is that creates this perceived distance between us. The difference surely must be in me and not in Him. After many years of trying and failing (which, incidentally, is a fair definition of the spiritual life) I would like to offer some thoughts.
First, I think holding a resentment against somebody creates a distance between God and myself. This is hardly surprising. Holding on to resentment is the ultimate infantile ‘hissy fit’ of the ego. What I am
saying is this: ‘You are not behaving in a way I
approve of. To punish you I am going to give myself a bad feeling that I will nurture along with a
negative opinion of you. I am going to keep on doing this until you start behaving in a way that I do find acceptable.’ Now, this really is a mature, reasonable and sane way of thinking. I could keep this up for years without telling you a thing.
Second, the distance between the Light of God and me is proportional to the distance between forgiveness and me. Let me explain. If I have any resentment in my heart then the Light of God cannot shine – resentment here is a fancy word for hate. It will not shine again until I forgive whoever it is to whom I have the resentment. The Light within me is dimmed by hate. The Light is always there – it can never go out – but it cannot shine if there is any resentment or hate in me. Resentment or hate brings darkness and drives out the Light.
But hold on a minute: ‘I don’t hate anybody.’ I hear you say. And, of course, I agree. I am a middle-class, middle-aged man from a leafy suburb with liberal views and opinions. I would swear on any holy book you care to offer me that I do not hate anybody. I just don’t do hate. I am an attender at a Quaker Meeting, for goodness sake. I’m one of the good guys.
Being angry
Ah. But that is not the point. None of that gets me off the hook. Here is what Jesus said about resentment:
‘You have heard that it was said to those of old, “You shall not murder,” and whoever murders will be in danger of the judgement. But I say to you that whoever is angry with his brother without a cause shall be in danger of the judgement. And whoever says to his brother “Raca!” shall be in danger of the council. But whoever says “You fool!” shall be in danger of hell fire.’
Clearly, then, this is about much more than hate or resentment. Jesus covers hate or resentment in the first sentence. Hate may boil up into a murderous rage, and that might even cause someone to commit murder. But what we are talking about here is quite different. Jesus is saying just being angry with somebody else is an offence, and to disrespect him or her is worse. Saying to somebody that they are vain, empty or worthless (which is what ‘Raca’ means) is enough to draw judgement. Calling someone a fool brings the threat of eternal punishment.
This is a quantum leap from the idea of hate. Murder and its consequences belong to the old dispensation. In the new dispensation (or in the life of the Kingdom) being angry or calling someone else a fool is a deadly serious offence.
Hatred
How do we understand this? Well, all action has its genesis in thought. For example, murder is the end result of vicious hatred in the heart. Calling someone a ‘stupid fool’ indicates that there is some hatred lurking within the heart. The hatred that causes someone to insult somebody else is the same hatred that causes another to murder. Calling someone a fool or stupid devalues his or her humanity. More than that, it debases their infinite worth in the eyes of God. Jesus is saying that the attitude in the heart is the same; it is only the degree of hatred that is different.
It is what is in our hearts then (manifested in our thoughts) that make us morally responsible. Anger, when it boils up, may result in murder, but insults and name-calling betray the true contents of our hearts and minds, and it is that which makes us guilty. If there is anger in your speech there is hatred in your heart. This is the reason why any kind of anger or disparaging feeling of superiority is so poisonous. Holding on to resentment, hatred, anger, or even a supercilious attitude is like drinking poison and hoping somebody else will die. Hatred and haughtiness makes us spiritually sick.
The single reality
Finally, what then is the distance between God and me – and the distance between the Light and me? It is this. It is the distance between now and saying ‘I’m sorry.’ It is the distance between now and saying ‘I was wrong.’ It is the distance between denying and acknowledging the single reality that all men really are my brothers. This means forgiving everybody and everything towards which I ever had a resentful feeling or felt superior to. Keeping the heart clean means forgiveness freely given to everybody, to those who are alive and to those who have gone before us (perhaps especially those who have gone before us).
Some people hold on to a grudge for days, some people hold on to a grudge for months and some people hold on to a grudge for years and take it to the grave with them. Let us find the Christ Life within us and embody it as long as we have breath, but most of all let us pray for the wisdom to forgive as soon as we can. Why? Because of what Jesus said next:
‘Therefore, if you bring your gift to the altar, and there remember that your brother has something against you, leave your gift there before the altar and go your way. First be reconciled to your brother, and then come and offer your gift.
‘Agree with your adversary quickly, while you are on the way with him, lest your adversary deliver you to the judge, the judge hand you over to the officer and you be thrown into prison. Assuredly, I say to you, you will by no means get out of there until you have paid the last penny.’
Get rid of hate while you can – and do it as soon as you can. If you have the slightest feeling of superiority, condescension or arrogance, drop it as though it was a red-hot coal. If you do not, there may be a far heavier price to pay than you imagine – prolonged spiritual sickness.
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