Should never be seen: Zoe Prosser looks at an insidious, but familiar, word

‘You may well be surprised by how much you are carrying.’

‘I feel thin, sort of stretched, like butter scraped over too much bread.’ So says Frodo, in The Lord of the Rings. I hear a lot from Friends who feel a bit like our fictional hobbit.

Part of my role as a local development worker is to support Friends to build communities where people feel enriched and happy – not spread too thin. But in my discussions with Friends, I have begun to dread a seemingly-innocent word that creeps into the conversation time and time again. Yes, I have developed an excessive dislike of the word ‘should’.

This little word can be used in two ways. Both are very familiar, but deeply problematic. The first appears in a sentence like: ‘Somebody (meaning the clerks, elders, nominations committee, etc) should do something about…’ This is dangerous on a couple of levels. The health of our Quaker community is everyone’s responsibility. It’s true to say that we have condensed some of this responsibility for keeping this community healthy into named roles. Elders, for example, for spiritual health and the holding of Meeting for Worship; or pastoral-care Friends, for the development of our community and mutual support; nominations committee members, for finding Friends to take these roles on. It’s a well-known list.

But as members of this community, whether or not we are formal members of the Religious Society of Friends, we are each responsible for this community. Saying that ‘the elders should do something about…’ takes the responsibility out of our hands and gives it to a faceless body, elders, who are in fact our Friends, worshipping alongside us. Hearing phrases like this can also be demotivating and dispiriting to those role holders who can already feel unsupported or overwhelmed.

Noticing issues is important. We need to know when things are not working. Ideas, plans and leadings bring much to a community. Hopefully we all have numerous examples of how they can energise and bring a community together. So how could we take these problems forwards?

The person or people who see a problem could consider what that problem is, and consider how they could fix it themselves, or how they could support others to fix it – and maybe whether it is even necessary that it is fixed right now.

Here is an example of a Friend avoiding the ‘somebody should do something’ trap.

Let’s say a Friend felt uncomfortable about how young children were being integrated into her Meeting. She felt that they were seen as a nuisance, or at least separate from the Meeting for Worship. She was a mum of very young girls at the time and had almost no resources to give. She suggested that they hold a monthly all-age shared breakfast, where everyone could eat together. Coming in earlier was not hard for her (small children tend to wake up early) and a few of the elderly Friends attended the breakfasts, creating a link between the children and the adults of the Meeting.

The second sentence I dislike is ‘I should be doing more’. This is often said to me by people who are already doing an incredible amount, usually within and without Quakers. I have had a younger Friend say she has stopped coming to Meeting because of the expectation to take on roles (perceived or actual). People are putting so much pressure on themselves, and with that comes shame and guilt. Who wants to celebrate their faith, while smothered in guilt for not doing more?

I remember one elder telling me about a particular Friend who had never been able to take on a role. Nevertheless she brings joy and connection to the Meeting. Without her the Meeting would be poorer.

Like her, all Friends should be welcome and celebrated in our community. The roles they took on, the hands they shook, the events they helped to organise, the Friend that they supported, the time they ministered, the food they brought, or the accounts they checked, these enrich and bless us all.
The ‘I should’ problem is something we need to tackle in ourselves and our Friends. If you hear a Friend saying this, please gently challenge them. And if you find that you are saying it to yourself, take a breath and consider what capacity you have at the moment. Don’t just think about (voluntary) work. Think of your health, your needs for sleep, food and rest. Consider the things you may be carrying in your heart and head: a sick relative, a family’s needs, a crumbling house, worry about bills and so on.

Taking that into account, think about what you are currently doing in the time that you have outside of work and your own needs:

• What feeds you and gives you joy – the stuff that brings you closer to love and light? Without this, life is not worth living.

• What do you do for your community outside Quakers? This might be volunteering, litter picking, keeping an eye on a vulnerable neighbour, providing a listening ear to your friends, or remembering relative’s birthdays – the list could go on.

• What do you do for your Quaker communities? This could be doorkeeping, cooking, taking on a role, being a key-holder for the Meeting, gardening, providing your living room as a Meeting space, or just remembering that no one has seen so-and-so in a while, and giving them a call.

You may well be surprised by how much you are carrying, and you may find that you do not have any further time or resources to do more for your community. Remember that and refuse to allow the demon ‘should’ to make you feel bad.

Quakers tend to think words are important. Many of us will remember having been trapped in an overlong Meeting because of an animated discussion about a single word in a minute. But I think Friends are right to think this way.

Words shape how we think and act. We strive to be a loving and inclusive community. We hope to be kind to all, including ourselves. Avoiding the use of the word ‘should’ might be a good place to start.

Zoe is the local development worker for Scotland.

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Comments

Another Friend warned us about the ‘hardening of the oughteries’

By doreen.osborne@outlook.com on 9th May 2024 - 9:11

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