Photo: Abhishekjana/flickr CC:BY.
Sex and the Spirit
found a safe space to reflect and explore
We arrived for ‘Sex and the Spirit’ weekend at Woodbrooke apprehensively. Would we be obliged to share aspects of our lives that we would rather remain private? Were we about to be sold a particular message with which we might not agree? Would the event be grounded in Quaker testimonies, or simply respond to trends in the wider society?
We arrived for ‘Sex and the Spirit’ weekend at Woodbrooke apprehensively. Would we be obliged to share aspects of our lives that we would rather remain private? Were we about to be sold a particular message with which we might not agree? Would the event be grounded in Quaker testimonies, or simply respond to trends in the wider society?
We had no need to be anxious. We were nourished by the insights of our course leaders, Symon Hill, Barbara Lippitt and Anna Sharman, and we were sustained by the openness and concern of our fellow participants.
The course took its place in the broader stream of evolving Quaker understanding of committed relationships, which found its culmination in the decision of Yearly Meeting in York in 2009 and the subsequent legislative change to allow celebration of civil partnerships in places of worship. We found the York decision to be deeply moving. For us, the headline ‘Quakers to permit gay marriage’ is a superficial interpretation of what happened. The York decision was about celebrating all kinds of committed, long-term relationships on an equal basis, recognising that when two people choose each other ‘it is the Lord’s work, and we are but witnesses’.
Course participants were aged from twenty-two to seventy-one, with most in the younger half of that range. For younger members of the group establishing their own identity was an important consideration. They were occupied with forming, sustaining, and sometimes ending relationships, and working out the place of sexual activity within that turbulent process. Older participants often had experience of longer-term relationships, and were concerned about issues of fidelity, and their changing understanding of sexuality over time.
The course attracted several people who were relatively new to Quakers. They were seeking an open and accepting approach to sex within a faith tradition. There was a spiritual grounding to the discussions, which drew on both the Bible and Quaker traditions.
It was striking how little the concept of ‘sexual orientation’ featured. It is the other person who forms the object of attraction and the relationship, not the gender, that is important.
Participants found that defining sexuality was not easy. Words such as ‘attraction’ and ‘desire’ were helpful. Levels of physical intimacy range from eye contact to full sexual intercourse. In general, setting out principles about relationships felt more comfortable than listing rules about specific kinds of conduct. Those principles included mutuality, dignity and respect. Sexual relations are about fulfilling one’s own potential while at the same time liberating the potential of another person.
Sexuality is a spiritual experience, too, both in its joy and in the inevitable conflicts and failures. In sexual relations, as in other aspects of life, partners fall down and need forgiveness.
We both came away grateful for what we have given each other in our marriage, and able to speak more freely about it. We also gained a better appreciation of others’ perspectives and circumstances. We concluded that in the end, sex is most fulfilling as part of a relationship. It is about giving and receiving love. That experience is at the heart of our faith.
Comments
What a relief and delight it is when Quakers talk and write about Sex. I’m very much looking forward to attending the next workshop on this theme and wonder if it could become a Quaker on the Road event! I’m not sure who gets to see my comment but if it can possibly be forwarded to the authors of this article and the Friends who ran the workshop I’d be very thankful!
By ChrissieH on 20th June 2010 - 18:40
Please login to add a comment
