Restoring relationships

Ivan Hutnik discusses seeking to enhance Quaker communication

by Ivan Hutnik 21st December 2018

Our Peace Testimony is central to who we are as Quakers. Peace is integral to our mode of worship. It is inherent in how we run our church affairs. Many of us do our very best to live out this testimony in the fellowship of our Meetings and in the workings of our lives.

Yet silence does not always equal peace. Sometimes conflict rises unbidden and almost unnoticed in our life and our Meetings. Quakers live within a highly conflictual world, so this should not be unexpected. What is more challenging is that, whatever our intentions, we are not always very good at dealing with conflict when it arises.

Meetings can suffer from ongoing, low-level friction between Friends – over plans for the Meeting house, the expressions of Quaker life and witness, or the little things that are so important (to some, but not others) for the day-to-day wellbeing of the Meeting.

More often than not, these conflicts seem to have their roots in clashes of personality or in intractable differences of perspective. Such discord had the potential to become deeply harmful – sometimes exploding without warning and harming individuals and the life of the Meeting. On occasion, some people may leave, seeking a safer home.

Little cracks, given time, can lead to the fracture of a Meeting.

We know that these unacknowledged, minor but perhaps simmering disagreements are not something that the Meeting should live with. They can become running sores that subtly undermine our testimony. Yet there are those of us who do live with them, hoping that they will not become too damaging, hoping that they will somehow heal themselves.

Conflict avoiders

Why do we do this? One reason why things are allowed to continue in this unhealthy manner is, I think, that many of us (me included) are conflict avoiders. We would rather brush things aside, ‘let time heal’ and avoid intervening – as this might potentially escalate matters.

In our desire to be gentle with one another, we may allow the seeds of future disharmony to flourish. The truth is that carpets get lumpy if you brush too much under them – and time is not always a healer.

There is more to it than this, of course. Someone recently said to me that she thought Quakers were of two types: those who avoid conflict, and those who treat the testimony to truth as a reason to be outspoken – even when this might be deemed insensitive and hurtful to others.

This is something we are reluctant to speak of – in my view, our Meetings can sometimes make surprisingly comfortable billets for those who like to bully their way through life. Such individuals are usually the exception, of course, but it only takes one…

Our church practice has long ensured checks and balances to help avoid damaging and anti-social behaviour. One of the main responsibilities of elders and overseers is to support helpful processes that resolve conflict. Beyond this, all of us in the community of the Meeting have a joint responsibility for pastoral care. Nonetheless, even the best practice can sometimes come into collision with the unwelcome reality – particularly, perhaps, when it is a weighty Friend who is at the heart of the problem.

Increase understanding

So, what more can be done?

Concerned to find practical ways to help address such problems, a couple of years ago a few of us formed a group to seek answers and, more generally, to develop ways to improve the effectiveness of our (Quaker) communication.

We all share in common an interest in holding truthful conversations that address conflict and increase understanding. As our interest has evolved over time, so has our approach.

We call our group Restoring Relations. We are running a series of workshops across the Midlands, which we are using to develop our ideas and approach further, while at the same time seeking to help others acquire new ways of thinking about conflictual interactions and provide them with the skills to deal with them. Our view is that prevention is better than cure.

Restoring Relations draws from various strands of thought and practice, ranging from deep listening to psychotherapy, and focuses on providing a flexible, interactive delivery that is designed to meet the needs of people with a range of different learning preferences.

To help us achieve this goal, we include room for reflection, and facilitate interactive work that enables practical experimentation. We seek to keep our approach as simple as possible.

Show empathy

The introductory workshops focus on helping people to improve their listening skills and to enhance the level of empathy they show in conversation. We provide participants with simple techniques and ways of thinking that can help create a path out of the thicket of misunderstanding. We are currently working on a more advanced programme.

We see success as being when the individuals involved in a difficult conversation or a conflict situation not only know they have been listened to, but also come away with a deeper understanding about the other person’s points of view.

Our approach seeks to create awareness about what each person’s contribution has been. More often than not, it is only by understanding ourselves better and how we have contributed to the conflict that real change can happen.

Only once all the people involved are at this point of self-awareness can we start building the foundations for practical solutions to long-standing problems.

Starting too early and proceeding too quickly does little or no good. Where wounds go deep, a lot of work is required to make a real and lasting difference.

Further information: info@restoringrelations.org

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