'Everyone listens to the person who is speaking, even if you don’t like or you disagree with what’s being said.' Photo: Jenny Spadafora / flickr CC.
Restorative experience
Sue Holden describes an insightful encounter with school children
The recent news item in the Friend (23 June) on the Bradford Peace Museum’s programme for schools put me in mind of a wonderfully nourishing experience some of us had recently, engaging with Year Six children from our local primary school. The head teacher, who is an attender at our Meeting, asked if she could bring the children up to the Meeting house for ‘Circle Time’, in the context of a programme in which she was introducing them to different denominations.
This Friend is also a restorative practice trainer and we hosted a workshop she gave on the topic last year to Quakers in the North East of England. Subsequent to the workshop, a small group of us within the Area Meeting have held a monthly restorative practice session, from which we have all greatly benefitted.
Restorative practice
So, when we were approached about the children coming up to the Meeting house for Circle Time, we asked if we could make this session into an exchange. The first half of their visit would be for the children to learn from us about Quakerism and the second half would be us learning from them about how they use restorative practice tools to smooth their communication with each other and help them resolve conflicts.
What a restorative experience the morning was! One of our members shook hands with the children on greeting them at the door. We just about managed to get the twenty-one chairs into a circle. One of us introduced the basic structure of a Meeting for Worship and then read out of the wonderful little book called Quaker Meeting and Me: A Guide for Children to Meeting for Worship, which introduces the idea of going inside ourselves, to see what we find in the quietness.
Each of the four Friends present then ministered briefly on what drew them personally to Quakerism. After this we had a five-minute Meeting for Worship, with the children then reflecting on what they had experienced. Then came the questions. I was totally surprised at both the confidence and the depth of thinking their questions revealed: ‘Do you have to believe in God to be a Quaker?’ ‘Do you personally believe in God?’ ‘Is Meeting for Worship like meditation?’
One child’s further reflection touched me especially: ‘My Mum says she believes in God when good things happen, but when bad things happen, she doesn’t. I don’t understand what she means, but I listen to her.’ What powers of thoughtful reflection these children have developed. When I think back to what I was like at that age…
The children’s turn
Now it was the children’s turn. First, an exercise to loosen us up, relax us and get us moving.
- Anyone who had porridge for breakfast this morning, silently change places.
- Anyone who likes cheesy crisps, silently change places.
- Anyone not wearing black socks, silently change places. And so on.
- No one speaks unless they are holding the stone.
- Everyone listens to the person who is speaking, even if you don’t like or you disagree with what’s being said.
- You don’t talk about anyone who isn’t present by name, rather referring to them as ‘someone I know’.
- Anyone who doesn’t want to say anything passes the stone on to the next person.
In the first go-round, when taking it in turns to hold the stone, each of us identified a number between nought and ten that reflected how we were feeling in the moment.
In the second go-round each of us reflected on something we felt appreciative of, such as ‘I appreciate my friends’ or ‘I’m glad it’s Friday’.
In the third go-round, we were invited to reflect on whether there was someone we wished to apologise to or sort something out with. The children were amazing. One said: ‘I want to apologise to Jimmy and Fred, because I was fighting with them on the way up here.’ This child then spontaneously stood up and shook hands with his two mates.
The other comments were just as interesting: ‘I want to apologise to George, because I fell out with him and I don’t think what we fell out over was worth falling out over’, and ‘I want to say sorry to my dog, because I haven’t taken him for a walk as often as I should’.
Learning from the children
We were then invited to share a problem that might be useful for the whole group to address. I think the children were a little shy to bring their issues forward at this point. Their head teacher identified a problem she had herself: ‘I like being in the hall with you children at lunchtime, but so often I’m called away to the phone, or a parent wants to see me, or a teacher needs my attention. Last week I didn’t get into the hall at lunchtime at all. Does anyone have any thoughts or ideas that might help?’
The children knew the rules: ‘Would you consider coming into the hall for half of the lunchtime and being available to others for the other half?’ And: ‘Would you consider telling everyone you are available on the other days but never available on Friday lunchtime, so you can be with us in the hall?’
All were thanked for their ideas. All suggestions offered would be considered and thought about. I heard later that the children had been very protective of their head teacher that lunchtime on returning to school. In the last go-round, we each identified the number out of ten that represented how we were feeling now. Interestingly, only one participant’s number remained the same, everyone else’s had risen.
This experience spoke very loudly to me. It showed that when one person’s problem is addressed in a group, everyone feels better. We felt so privileged and touched to have been able to share this morning’s experience with the children. We can’t help wondering now how, both as individuals and as Quakers, we can take on board what we learned from the children.
The morning ended with another fun game – each, in turn, was to turn to their neighbour and say with a completely straight face: ‘I love you Hon, but I ain’t got a smile.’ Perhaps you can imagine the hilarity that was generated as we said our goodbyes.
Comments
What wonderful depth of humanity displayed by all those present during this very Wu!erly Circle Time…
By PETERHANCOCK on 20th July 2017 - 16:25
Whoops! Sorry, finger slipped. For Wu!erly, please read lovely…
By PETERHANCOCK on 20th July 2017 - 21:58
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