Words Photo: Via Wordle
Reflection: Words
In the second of four short articles, Alison Leonard reflects on five years of involvement in the Quaker Concern Around Dying and Death, and writes personally about relationships and practicalities in old age
If we live into extreme old age and have no particular disease, just the general deterioration of a long-used body, we can listen to advice on planning ‘a good death’ and wonder just when to put it into practice. Start at the biblical point of ‘three score years and ten’ and we might live to see a further generation. Leave it till we reach a century and, still, we may survive till a child now just born begins school.
Words are an issue. We’re advised to deal with ‘unfinished business’, to say to our dear ones those four vital things: Thank you, I’m sorry, I love you and goodbye.
But when to say them? If I wait till death is certain, will the dear ones to whom I want to say those words be at my bedside? Will I have the energy to say the important thing and will I speak clearly enough to be understood?
I’ve been surprised how difficult it is, as a friend and visitor, to introduce the subject of dying, even with a close Friend now near to death with whom I’d discussed it many times in the past. There was always the medical situation to ponder; the visits of others to discuss; news from outside to bring. In any case, death might not be close just now; I could always leave it till next time. It was curiosity that finally propelled me into saying: ‘How do you feel, now, about actually dying?’ I’d feared that the acceptance, so clearly gained in earlier times, might have vanished and be replaced by fear and denial. In the event I found we could talk easily, in the language we’d developed together over the years.
I hope that before I die more of us will practise talking about dying and death during our earlier years, so that when the time comes we’ll have the ease and the words to do it. This practising is one of the most important things we do in the Quaker Concern Around Dying and Death.
A corner of the work that I’ve particularly concerned myself with is the written word: the Will, the Advance Directive, the Power of Attorney and the Funeral Wishes. It’s so helpful to those remaining if our wishes are stated in clear words. And they need to be updated every few years.
Which reminds me, I’ve not done my updating for a while…
