‘While Meeting by Zoom has been interesting, companionable, and sometimes fun, I have not felt able to talk with anyone in a more personal way.’ Photo: by Anthony Tran on Unsplash.
Only human: isolation has been especially difficult for the bereaved, says Louise Rendle
‘I had a great fear of the psychological effects of prolonged isolation.’
When it first became apparent how serious the pandemic was becoming, it was just over two years since my husband G’s death. As anyone who has experienced the death of a much-loved partner will attest, the pain never goes. We can find ways to manage it and live with it, and build (or rebuild) a life, but however full and fulfilled that life may be, we never stop missing the loved one. In those two years I had maintained old friendships, made new friends and continued to be involved with the Quaker Meeting and other activities and groups. I went to concerts, visited galleries and museums, and – very importantly – joined a ‘Walk & Talk’ bereavement support group. So, a full life, but with a large G-shaped hole in the middle.
As with most people, I became increasingly alarmed as Covid-19 spread and the numbers of people affected rapidly grew. So, though not shielding or isolating, I took all other practical steps to minimise the risk of catching the virus. But once it became likely there would be a lockdown, with all my regular activities suspended, I had an even greater fear – of the psychological effects of prolonged isolation and the impact of that on mental health, including my own. In discussions, I discovered there were a few other people (mainly women) living nearby who felt similarly, and we agreed to keep in touch and go for occasional socially-distanced walks together.
Then the first lockdown finally happened and, apart from the above-mentioned walks, all my connections and communications with other people and the world became digital: Zoom, Skype, phone, WhatsApp, TV, radio, internet streaming services, YouTube, email… you know how it goes. So I kept in contact with people and still had a (quite) full life – but all that digital communication was exhausting! Even gardening had a digital component – with garden centres closed I started ordering seeds and plants online or by phone.
The bereavement support group already had a well-established WhatsApp group, and through that we were able to share how we felt and how we were – or weren’t – coping. Through the app, we continued to support one another. We also set up Zoom meetings, but they were no substitute for meeting in person and being able to hug one another, and in any case only a few people Zoomed regularly.
Anyone living on their own during lockdown will have had to cope with isolation – the lack of human contact, and solitary meals day after day. I know that many people found that very difficult. But those of us who were bereaved had an extra dimension. Living alone not by choice, most of us found the absence of the person we most wanted to be with even harder to bear, with hours at home and no one to share it with. And if that was hard, how much worse for anyone who became bereaved during lockdown. I have since met a few people who had been in that position, and they talked of the agony of not being able to visit a dying partner or parent in hospital, of having to greatly limit the number of people attending the funeral, and, worst of all, not being able to spend time with family or close friends who could offer care and support and, most importantly, hugs.
When the Quaker Meetings for Worship shifted to Zoom, I was surprised at how gathered they felt and how we were able to reach some very deep places. But I found the ending of Meeting, and the time immediately afterwards, really difficult. At the Meeting house, there was time for socialising after Meeting, talking in small groups of two or three, maybe having lunch together, and then the journey home. But Zoom does not allow for intimacy, and after the Worship or planned discussion afterwards has ended, the only choices are to talk with twenty other people on screen, or not at all. While that has been interesting, companionable, and sometimes fun, I have not felt able to talk with anyone in a more personal way in that context.
Also, with Zoom there is no transition from being with other people and going away from the meeting place. Particularly when we have had very deep connections in the Meeting for Worship and/or discussion afterwards, I have found the abrupt ending really hard to handle. One moment, connection and shared reflection at a very deep level, and the next, a suddenly blank screen and I am plunged back into isolation and sometimes desolation.
So, much as I have appreciated and valued being able to continue worshipping together on Zoom through lockdown and beyond, I will welcome the opportunity to be able to worship in person again. I know that for many Friends that is not yet an option, as some dare not risk catching the virus, and others do not yet feel ready, and for some people worshipping via Zoom may continue to be the best or only option for a long time, maybe indefinitely. As worshipping communities, I think it is highly likely that Zoom will be part of our Meetings for the foreseeable future.
Blending Zoom and in-person Meetings for Worship is not easy and may be challenging. This is not because of technical issues (awkward though they may be) but because of the risk of feelings of ‘us’ and ‘them’ developing.
In 1667 Isaac Pennington wrote that: ‘Our life is love, and peace, and tenderness; and bearing one with another, and forgiving one another, and not laying accusations one against another, but praying for one another, and helping one another up with a tender hand.’
My hope and prayer is that in these difficult and challenging times, when we are all probably struggling with fear and anxiety, and all have different needs, we will find a way to support and uphold one another and our Meetings, and above all to be tender with one another.
Comments
Thank you for this, Louise. I have been thinking a great deal about those recently bereaved, as well as those who are in hospital or homes and unable to be visited - and of their loved ones who would wish to visit. It’s good to read of your experience and I hope there will be more exploration of the issues and what we can do.
A couple of related thoughts.
Here at Wandsworth, we have now instituted breakout rooms after MfW , so after notices those who would like to stay on are put into random rooms of 5 or 6 . This seems to work well as there are always a couple of seasoned Friends in a group and it’s small enough to share news or further reflections on the Meeting, but it’s also a way to get to know newer people better, as if you were tlking to them in the coffee queue. We also have other groups happening, organised informally by Friends , such as a discussion group (sometimes serious spiritual or witness topics, sometimes lighter ones) a coffee morning and a film evening where people watch something at the same time and have a chat afterwards.
Secondly, there will be a large number of Friends for whom no memorial meeting has yet happened and whose funeral will have been very small. This may be very upsetting for those left behind - and some people may feel it will be difficult to organise after a long delay, or for practical reasons. I was wondering whether perhaps in March (around year after the first Lockdown) it might be possible to hold an extended and large MfW online. For people to remember some of our late Friends. I am not sure how this could be done - but it could be of value. It would be interesting to know what others think.
Finally, purposeful activity is something that quite a lot of people are finding difficult in current circumstances, if they are isolated. While some folk are working really hard at their jobs and/or to care for others, anxiety and a sense of impotence can overwhelm others. Keeping busy and keeping fit is not enough. If we can use this time and space to reflect on and address bigger issues that can be transformative. Spiritual or creative practices can be helpful here. Woodbrooke has now set up a rich range of courses which are enabling and nurturing connections among Friends as well as learning. A number of people (Friends and others) are also finding projects like the Loving Earth Project (lovingearth-project.uk) helpful as something we can work on alone at home, but which has a wider purpose in helping us and others express grief as well as engage more deeply with sustainability issues and face the future creatively with joy and hope
By Linda Murgatroyd on 6th January 2021 - 16:54
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