'Talking helps. It is okay to cry. You are not alone. I see my depression as a gift from the universe.' Photo: by Stormseeker on Unsplash
'Talking helps. It is okay to cry. You are not alone. I see my depression as a gift from the universe.' Photo: by Stormseeker on Unsplash
In November 2021, my colleague and I had a random, small-talk conversation about an argument he’d had with his housemate, who was depressed and talking about death. His friend was one of my old tenants, and known to me.
Two weeks later he overdosed, and died. Two weeks later my baby brother also took his own life, by hanging himself from a coat rail at the bed-and-breakfast he was staying.
I had two suicides in one month to deal with.
The reasons for suicide are very, very complex. There is no black and white answer to it all, and it can be very confusing for the loved ones and friends left behind. A day does not go by without me thinking about Bobby, my brother’s nickname, and it makes me cry frequently.
Could I have done more? What if? Did I let him down? Was I there for him? Initially, I was tormenting myself with these thoughts, which kept circulating in my mind. I thought I was going mad. I could not sleep, could not eat, and did not want to work or meet people.
Personality wise, I would say I am an open person, about life and my feelings, and I spoke about death and suicide a lot. Maybe this not a healthy thing to do, and I would not recommend it to everyone. I met fellow Quakers I had known for many months, if not years, and they shared their own experiences with me, of a son who had committed suicide, or a brother. They had never mentioned this to me before, even though I had known them a long time. To me it was like Pandora’s box opening. In my day-to-day life as a Quaker and an estate agent, how hidden the subject of depression and suicide is! It was scary and depressing for me, all the young men and women who commit suicide (though all of the cases I have personally dealt with have been men).
I found depression and suicide hidden away in many families, and not spoken about. Maybe it was too hurtful to talk about, too embarrassing, a failure. People I have known for many years did not talk about being sad, depressed, or of a suicide that happened in their own families.
Depression and suicide are not subjects that should be hidden away. Some, if not all, can be avoided. To me it is not a coward’s way of leaving the world; we should not be quick to judge the people that choose it.
I see the irony of it. My brother was a mental health nurse. On the face of it, everything looked OK. But the helpers and carers in society also need help. My internal mantra is, ‘It’s OK to not be OK’. Smiling helps even when this is an effort.
I help my depression by going to Meeting. There I find a tribe of people that I think I understand, and who maybe understand me. I just want to sit quietly for one hour, not talking about my feelings, then have coffee and biscuits. I have exhausted all the talk on depression and suicide.
Talking helps. It is okay to cry. You are not alone. I see my depression as a gift from the universe. It means I see the world in a different way. It can be painful, but acceptance of the mental emotion helps. I meditate, and teach yoga. I litter pick, which I find good therapy. I reward myself with good chocolate. I have accepted that this is how I was built.
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