'The cell was totally grim and I don’t think I stopped crying. I was quite certain that I wouldn’t come out again.' Photo: by Richard Haywood on Unsplash
Life support: Lucy on the difference chaplains make
‘A chaplain sees you as a human being, capable of good.’
My first night in prison I arrived after everyone else had been locked up. I’d always feared hearing that door clang behind me but actually it was a real comfort. The cell was totally grim and I don’t think I stopped crying. I was quite certain that I wouldn’t come out again.
I was very badly bullied and abused by other residents so I spent a lot of time in fear. There are hierarchies in prison and if you happen to be judged at the bottom, some see you as fair game. I was nervous right up to my last day. I recognised the fear that others had. They feel there’s no one on their side and this is where the chaplaincy is so, so important because anything that’s said is confidential except if there’s a safeguarding or security issue. After I’d been there about two weeks the baptist chaplain came to my cell and sat down with me and at that point I poured out my heart to him. It was the first time I felt I was being believed. It was a huge relief.
I registered Quaker but it took a few months to organise a Quaker chaplain. In the meantime I attended the weekly Christian service in the chapel. It was a sanctuary and the chaplains were a benign presence, with time to sit down and listen. As the only Quaker, I was so privileged to be able to talk on an almost weekly basis with the Quaker chaplain. During lockdown, chaplains went round visiting everyone twice a week. Those few minutes with them were so important during twenty-three hours of lockdown.
They also supported us in bereavement. I had two bereavements during the lockdown. I wasn’t able to attend one funeral but they did make it possible to watch the other, which is absolutely incredible. Prisoners have no online access. It was very important to me.
While I was there, tragically there was a suicide and the chaplains gave incredible support all over the prison because something like that doesn’t just affect next- door neighbours. It affects everybody, including the staff. The chaplains also held a service in remembrance. When anniversaries came round, it was possible to ask for a candle-lighting in the chapel and to spend a few minutes in private to hold that person in the Light.
In prison it is very hard to maintain a sense of self-worth because of the way the system functions. You go to hospital handcuffed to an officer and go to the toilet in front of them; it seems to suppress you and put you in your place. But a chaplain sees you as a human being, capable of good – there was so much good among residents amid the horrendous stuff, and the more they were valued and respected, the better they behaved!
I really can’t convey how much difference chaplaincy makes to people’s lives. It can mean surviving that night. I mean that. Just the fact that you’ve had that conversation with someone can make that difference.
Lucy’s full name is withheld for security reasons. This article has been cleared by her probation officer.
