‘Talking about suicide can save lives.’ Photo: by Stormseeker on Unsplash
Life before death: Matthew Callow on caring for struggling Friends
‘Those who cry out the loudest are not necessarily those who need the most support.’
Once, at an Anglican Evensong in my teenage years, I was idly flicking through the Book of Common Prayer. I noticed that at the beginning of the ‘Order for the Burial of the Dead’ it said that this rite should not be used for those who have ‘laid violent hands upon themselves’. The vicar later confirmed that this was in reference to suicide, and that it was once customary to bury the deceased in unconsecrated ground, or in a part of the burial ground which received the least sunlight. He explained that it was once the pervasive Christian view that suicide was sinful.
Quakers once held such a view and early Friend Will Caton (1636-1665) believed his own suicidal thoughts were from the Antichrist. My thoughts instantly turned to those in despair, for whom such a belief would prevent them from reaching out in their time of darkness and alienation. Also for the loved ones and how their grief must have been compounded by shame. There are several accounts of suicide in the Bible but I have never found any condemnation.
Before I became a Quaker, during a conversation about suicide, a friend told me that the Religious Society of Friends was the first church to pay equal respect to those who took their own lives. I have never been able to verify this, but have wondered if it might have been a consequence of our centuries-old concern for mental wellbeing. Did the work of reformers such as William Tuke and Theophilus Waldmeier bring them into contact with those who contemplated ending their lives, and trigger compassion? Talking about suicide can be difficult, but such conversations save lives.
As a mental health professional, my colleagues and I often have to make judgments as to how to safely and therapeutically respond to those with suicidal thoughts. This is stressful, and we often require reassuring guidance. But those who cry out the loudest are not necessarily those who need the most support. Quieter Friends, sitting at the back of Meeting for Worship, may slip away unnoticed. We must not lose sight of those who struggle to express their needs or articulate their inner world. In a faith community, we should all have the right to make known what we need from each other in order to attain and maintain happiness.
Friends with a greater psychological strength may need to facilitate space for this. Meetings for Sharing can be held with a focus on the needs of individuals. Listening groups can help create a more concentrated sense of belonging, without the daunting prospect of speaking before the assembled Meeting. In these situations, those who are struggling may learn ways of coping from others, and feel less alone in their struggle.
