...I wanted to send a wee message with a wreath. In the end I had written the first poem in my life. Photo: Photo: Dwayne Bent / flickr CC.
How it began
Eddie MacDonald reflects on death, prison and poetry
On 11 July 2000 the prison vicar broke the dreadful news to me: ‘Your brother Daniel has died. He took his own life.’
I sat in the office in pure silence, trying to absorb what I was told.
‘You’ve got it wrong,’ I said. ‘I’m waiting to see Daniel when I move from here. We’re meeting for the first time. It’s going to be great.’
I walked back to my lonely prison cell, shut the door and just stared, standing by the window, silent tears slipping down my face. I felt numb. I couldn’t understand why this had happened.
Daniel took his life on 1 July 2000; but the worst thing was – he wasn’t found for nine days. This was the hardest thing I had to deal with – asking myself: why didn’t his friends, neighbours and ex-girlfriend pop in?
A few days later I wanted to send a wee message with a wreath. In the end I had written the first poem in my life. I hated poetry before. I couldn’t put two lines together. My early days of writing were about getting thoughts and feelings out – how I felt at that time – and then writing about a brother, how he was lost, lonely and scared of the past.
I soon developed my poetry to write about events in my life: childhood, being bullied, my out-of-control drinking, prison life, street life, crime and past loves.
I write my best poetry when I’m suicidal. I seem to find emotional words from the depths of my soul. Thirteen years later and I have written over 4,000 poems, won two Koestler Awards and have had two poems published in Quaker magazines.
I have done nothing good in my adult life, spending nearly twenty-five years in prison. I am on my eighth sentence, which is life. However, what I have done in wrongs I can turn negative into positive through poetry. I write about the badness, sadness and madness.
My brother’s death gave me a talent. Something creative has come from a tragedy. Poetry is my therapy. It is how I cope with life. It keeps me alive. I truly believe that without it I would be a weak person. Daniel will be looking down on me. He will be proud of what I have achieved.
One can turn their life around. I aim to do this with my poetry and with the help and guidance of my Quaker friends. I know they don’t judge me on the past and that’s an important thing for me. I value their letters. Outside communication is important when in prison. I have been a Quaker since 2007. The Meetings are a time for me to reflect on my life: past, present and future.
