God bothering
John Anderson reflects on the Quaker business method
The clerk of the Meeting dies and goes to heaven where, as he had confidently expected, he is met at the pearly gates by saint Peter: flowing locks, curly beard, white gown, halo and all.
‘Well, hello there,’ Peter says: ‘Glad to have you on board – we don’t stand on formalities here – you can call me Rocky.’
With a not terribly substantial arm around the clerk’s shoulder, Peter ushers him within to be greeted by a small acapella group of angels crooning ‘Happy Death Day to you’. All of a sudden Peter claps a hand to his forehead, slightly displacing his halo: ‘Completely slipped my mind – the boss wants to see you in his study.’ He adds: ‘No need to worry – he has mellowed out of all recognition since his fire and brimstone days – I’m sure he just wants a little chat.’
Saint Peter leads the way through a maze of pearly corridors open to the skies where, concealed within cream puff cumulus, the massed heavenly choirs are rehearsing. In spite of Peter’s reassurance, the clerk is aware of mounting trepidation, and when (after much mazy motion) they arrive, the brown-varnished door reminds him forcibly of the one in the headmaster’s office at his old and dilapidated secondary school. He stands there for a few moments (somewhat sweaty and trembling) until, propelled forward by a gentle shove between the shoulder blades, he knocks timidly.
‘Come’ – says a voice of both authority and compassion, and, with an increased confidence, the clerk pushes the door open. God looks kind but tired.
God waves towards a chair: ‘Do sit please – make yourself at home – very glad to meet you. There’s something I’ve been wanting to get off my deific chest. It’s about this Quaker business method of yours – it’s been giving me no end of trouble. Take that excruciating “Meeting for Worship for Business” that went on for three hours one Sunday last summer – the day when you discussed the slimy vegetation between the slabs of the Meeting house path – which everyone agreed represented a very present threat to aged thigh bones.
‘The Meeting was divided between those who wanted to do the sensible thing – spray the path with a state-of-the-art chemical – and those who advocated forming a working party to solve the problem with teaspoons and elbow grease. After all that prayerful deliberation, and careful listening one to another and overcooked lunches, you were forced to record that: “On this matter the Meeting was unable to achieve unity”.
‘Only two weeks ago, when the premises committee sought permission to replace the aged Baby Belling with a microwave, everyone agreed except dear Deidre, who has an aversion to all manner of invisible radiation. She believes that: “If you can’t see it it’s out to get you.” So, after a period of prayerful silence, you were led to the unanimous decision to make no decision.’
God breathes a sigh of almighty resignation, tugs at the brim of his halo and leans forward: ‘You must understand I can’t decide for you – ever. All I can do is lend a hand to your achieving an amicable and amenable ambience. All that love requires of you is that you listen carefully, speak succinctly and, if need be, give way gracefully.
‘Might I suggest that most of the items on a Meeting for Worship for Business agenda are matters of opinion rather than principle; that you don’t need a JCB to put salt on your porridge; that sometimes, if not often, a satisfactory decision and even unity might well be achieved by the simple (if unthinkable) process of taking a vote.
‘Right decisions! Right decisions! The best any of us can do is make up our minds and be prepared to change them. And, goodness me, I have had to do that often enough since I first breathed life into Adam.’
The clerk of the Meeting wakes from his dream determined to run a tighter ship; to have a firmer grip on the helm; and to do less God bothering. But voting? In small, practical matters, perhaps? Unthinkable! But it’s a thought.
Comments
I love this!
Deidre must not be allowed to dominate the decision: all she has to do is stay out of the kitchen.
The volunteers should have been given the go-ahead to use tea-spoons (there are better tools equally acceptable) if they chose.
We must all be on the alert for the tyranny of the individual.
By john0708 on 30th August 2018 - 15:32
I hope most clerks have learned to leave the practical matters like this to small committees ( which might or might not include Deirdre) or asked one or 2 Friends to come with a suggestion - maybe on a take it or leave it basis. Voting? A secret ballot on whether to leave the wifi on because of the radiation? Perhaps a ( almost certainly) long Meeting for Worship for Business to discern whether we could vote is called for!
By johna on 2nd September 2018 - 17:36
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