‘I needed wise, loving, and thoughtful friends to help deliver me from the grave clothes of fear, shame, and lies.’ Photo: by Karollyne Videira Hubert on Unsplash
Free spirit: After experiencing years of homophobic prejudice, Peterson Toscano calls for solidarity
‘What have you learned from your oppression?’
I am not aware of all of the dynamics in the UK, but here in the USA, many of us who are gay, lesbian, and bisexual feel threatened by political powers that seek to strip us of our hard-earned rights. The feeling of being an outsider in one’s own country, community, or denomination, is the kind of pain that led many of us to despair, depression, and even extreme measures to eradicate any same-sex attraction in our lives.
That was my experience, growing up at a time when society actively oppressed and pathologised gay men, and when many in the world and the church perceived gay men as a threat. With the HIV/AIDS crisis and the rise of politics infused with intolerant religious bigotry, I felt ‘despised and rejected by men’.
How I wish I had had the courage and the support to stand up to that wicked oppression, but I caved to the pressure from society and my church as I accepted the lie that there was something wrong with me. I sought to destroy anything about myself that was gay: the sexual and romantic feelings I had towards other men, and any sort of personal expression that was seen as ‘gay.’ I turned to trusted leaders to guide and protect me. Aged seventeen, I jumped head-first into conversion therapy. It took nearly twenty years before I finally understood that there was nothing wrong with my sexual and romantic desires, and came out as gay.
The process brought emotional exhaustion, psychological disorders, and spiritual confusion. At the same time, the church impoverished itself by shutting the doors to us. They needed us and the many blessings we bring. I eventually found alternative spaces, like the Quaker Meeting in Hartford, Connecticut, but although I was out, I was not yet free.
The years of lies, fear, and shame held me fast, just as Lazurus – raised to life when he exited the tomb – was bound and blinded by his grave clothes. The anti-gay church and the conversion therapy programs embedded lessons deep within me: that gay men and lesbian women could never have healthy platonic relationships with people of the same sex; that here was no such thing as bisexuals; that men had to be ‘real men’ (in charge, masculine, and assertive); and that women must be submissive, feminine, and quiet.
Lazurus was trapped in his grave clothes until the disciples liberated him when they heard Jesus’ command, ‘Take off the grave clothes and let him go’. I too needed wise, loving, and thoughtful friends to help deliver me from the grave clothes of fear, shame, and lies.
God called me to be alive, set apart, and pleasing to God. I needed to go through a process of transformation by the renewing of my mind (Romans 12). I needed to challenge, uproot, and replace the thoughts, attitudes, and beliefs of the homophobic, sexist, racist world.
An issue I particularly needed to address was the deep shame and self-loathing I felt about myself for being a ‘sissy’. I had pushed that sensitive, playful, girly boy deep into the closet. Even though I was out as gay, I still adhered to the patterns and values of this world. I aspired to be a masculine gay man, and I wanted nothing to do with the silly ‘fem’ gays, the drag queens, and trans women. I hated them because I hated part of myself. My society, my world, and the churches I attended, taught me to hate them. Even my newly-found gay friends taught me to hate them and to see them as grotesque and undesirable; troublemakers who were making it worse for all of us.
God is gracious and kind, abounding in mercy and forgiveness. Some years later, God blessed me through several transgender, intersex, and genderqueer people. I heard their stories, and I felt affirmed as they saw the pain and suffering I experienced when I felt compelled to conform to the wishes of men and not God. I heard how they had suffered, what they had lost, and the isolation they experienced: from their families, and their communities, when seeking employment, and when receiving healthcare – even for a common cold.
I saw the power and the beauty they modeled for me as they chose to accept and affirm themselves no matter what anyone would say about them. They knew who they were in their hearts and, despite the ugly words, even from gays and lesbians, they asserted themselves. God ‘does not see as mortals see; they look on the outward appearance’, but God ‘looks on the heart’ (1 Samuel 16:7). They showed me how to live as a clay vessel with treasures hidden inside that most people would never see or acknowledge.
I thank God for the many transgender, gender non-binary, and intersex people I have met through the years. My faith and my life have been enriched by knowing them, and I have striven to stand in solidarity with them.
From reading recent letters in the Friend about trans people, I conclude that some of you do not welcome or affirm people unless the gender they embrace and present aligns with the sex assigned to them at birth. You segregate yourselves from them and deny them a place at the table you have set. This all sounds painfully familiar, and completely lacking in imagination. This is what I want to ask you: What have you learned from your oppression?
As a brother in Christ, as a gay man who endured horrific abuse from intolerant churches and Christian groups, and as someone who has spent a significant period of my life learning about and exploring the overlapping issues of gender, sex, and sexual orientation, I urge you to repent. You have fallen into a trap and have aligned yourselves with the very forces that for decades shut us out, denied us rights, and dehumanised us. Dear Friends, there is a better path for you.
I appeal to you, do not conform to this intolerant, cruel, judgmental, supremacist world, but, as Paul wrote to the Romans, be transformed by the renewing of your minds, so that you may discern what is the will of God – what is good and acceptable and perfect.
Peterson is from Philadelphia Yearly Meeting. His film exploring stories of people in the Bible who transgressed and transcended the gender norms and expectations of their day can be found at at www.youtube.com/p2son, where there is also a link to a discussion guide that can be used to deepen the conversation.
