Finding hope

A prisoner, and Friend, in HMP Berwyn writes about encountering Quakerism

I have been in HMP Berwyn since 23 March 2017 and, to be honest, it’s been an emotional roller coaster for me to get to this frame of mind, and to be able to be happy and content, while from the outside looking in you would think I was constantly carrying the world on my shoulders.

I’ve gone through a lot of trauma, both physically and mentally. I’ve had my mental health torn apart by predators, chancers, manipulators, liars and thieves.

It’s been a weird journey for me, as normally I would use drugs to numb my pain, to forget, eventually ending up with an addiction – then I would end up offending to get money to carry on my habit. So, inevitably, a vicious circle is born with me, in and out of prison, using drugs to cope out of prison and then using them inside prison to help me cope with the isolation.

I’m not blaming anybody but myself and I don’t do sympathy or pity, because when someone is nice to me or pays me a compliment, my radar switches on and I wonder what they are after. Paranoid? I don’t think I am, because most of the time I’m right. I’ve got pretty good at second guessing people’s motives, and, honestly, being in prison you realise that everyone has an agenda, which only concerns them mainly.

So, after too many years, it feels like my life had hit rock bottom emotionally. I had literally given up with others and nothing held my interest, apart from a few fictional books and maybe the news.

Self-medicating on cocktails of all types of drugs did help me to cope rather than sit there day in and day out contemplating ending my life, which was totally unbearable.

Nothing is straightforward or black and white and everything has a story, with one wrong decision snowballing into another, one creating a worse scenario. Then the pressure increases and you feel that your hands are tied, backed into a corner – you get the message.

I wouldn’t be who I am today unless I had gone through all my mistakes, and even though I never learnt my first or second lesson I would say I’m finally over that hurdle, because after years of being an addict I have finally got clean and drug free for the second time in my life (I’m thirty-seven years old), not being forced but voluntarily through my own choice!

Since I’ve been off drugs and able to take in the environment around me with clarity, it was a bit scary at first and hard to deal with. The damage of seclusion and being stuck in a rut did take their toll on me and my personality was non-existent, as I didn’t know the real me, but finally I started to realise what I liked and what took my interests.

One day a mate asked me if I wanted to come to a Quaker group. I asked ‘What’s it about?’ and was told it’s relaxing and you get a cup of coffee and biscuits. I was sold there and then and attended. WOW! That session was out of this world for me and I’ll tell you why – because the impact, for me, is that it has changed my direction for life, pointed me in the right direction and given me faith in humanity.

It felt like I was connected to everyone else’s energy and was transported somewhere brighter than the dark hole I had been in for ages. I was excited in my mind. My thoughts were reorganised and didn’t feel like problems any more. I felt a closeness I had not felt before to the visitors and men in the room. My paranoia dissipated and I felt 100 per cent positivity for all in that room. There is so much more I can’t describe or put into words, but I know that for the rest of my life I’m a Quaker and a Friend. Life isn’t about crime and drugs but doing better things and making a difference for the right reasons.

I can’t wait to go to Meetings outside of prison and have the privilege of sharing a circle with like-minded people. Knowing that there is a community of Friends who won’t judge me makes me feel welcome already. The whole way of life makes so much sense to me because the opposite of that way has always steered me off the track and into trouble and stress.

Finally, the people – the Friends –who have come into HMP Berwyn have been the most positive, influential people I could possibly imagine, as they are always in good spirits and bring a freshness into the Meetings that the staff don’t. To me they are shining examples of how I so long to be.

The outside Friends are role models and good influences for the group and I’m really, really grateful to have found my Friends and see a bright future for myself, as I know that, unlike my previous friends in my old circles, these new Friends will look out for me and guide me away from trouble and stop me making bad or wrong decisions.

It’s been a tough long journey to be the person I am today. Yes, I’ve caused destruction and left a trail of devastation longer than most, but I can’t change any of it. All I can do is flip it on its head and, finally, learn my lesson and don’t entertain my old lifestyle ever again. But if I hadn’t led that life then I wouldn’t have been in prison at this time to be introduced to my new family of Friends. So, really, I have to count my blessings and have more faith in myself.

My future has finally found the hope and direction I’ve always needed. I do have one regret, and that is not finding Quakers sooner. Thank you all for being a part of this.

This article is published with the permission of the governor of HMP Berwyn.

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