A Round Tuit Photo: Carboholic
Eye - 06 July 2012
The Carboholic continues his occasional, irreverent, ramblings around the world of sustainability
A Round Tuit
Right. I am Definitely going to do it. Now. Probably…
To be honest, I’m a bit cold at the moment. What with it being summer (!) and the price of oil and everything, I haven’t lit the Rayburn. And the storage heaters take a while to heat up, too. I know, I know, if I’d had the cavity wall insulation done I wouldn’t be needing either, but you see, the problem is, I haven’t got one of those things yet. You know, a Round Tuit.
Without a Round Tuit, it’s almost impossible to do anything. It’s certainly impossible to do anything important like saving the planet or going for a pint. If I had a pound for every time I’ve heard people say, ‘I was going to go to the library / sell my HBOS shares / learn French / form a government / lose weight / redecorate the house / have an affair but I haven’t got a Round Tuit yet’, I’d be a millionaire. Come to think of it, if the government stopped pouring money into the banking system and simply issued a Round Tuit to every household in Britain we’d probably solve the financial crisis and the economic downturn overnight. Imagine all those things that would suddenly get done…
Like my cavity wall insulation. When I get a Round Tuit I’m going to have it done. It apparently costs about £300 if you’re filthy rich and nothing if you’re on benefits. Or over seventy. Nothing! And you start saving money immediately.
So why aren’t I doing it? Am I filthy rich and therefore don’t care about paying all that extra on my electricity and oil bills? Am I a member of some strange sect that is dedicated to making the world uninhabitable for humans within a century? Am I so idiotically bigoted that I think all this ‘global warming, save the planet’ stuff is a load of rubbish – in short, am I Jeremy Clarkson? No, I just haven’t got a Round Tuit yet…
That’s all I need to do. So I’m definitely going to.
I. Am. Going. To. Get. A. Round. Tuit
Soon…
