St Wilfrid: Leicestershire. The large churchyard is rich in fine Swithland slate headstones, set in the turf, as they should be. Photo: Photo: Rataedl/flickr CC:BY.
Compassion, love and acceptance – the Quaker concern on death and dying
The year-old informal group that calls itself the Quaker Concern on Death and Dying is thriving, both in terms of correspondence and in its gatherings at Woodbrooke
Exploration is the key to our method. The issues that provoked our concern are two: that the process and duration of dying has changed with the advance of medical science, and that the length and quality of care in terminal illness and extreme old age vary greatly. But we throw our net wider than that: including issues like how to make a place for mourning in our lives; how to sustain a long period of caring within a family; how we can best work alongside health professionals and learn how to communicate well with those who are dying and trying to face the legal and moral issues surrounding the making of choices about the end of life. We try not to shirk the ‘why?’ questions – what about ‘the will of God’ where our own life and choices are concerned? – and have spent some dedicated time in that most essential of tasks: thinking ahead to our own death, and how to prepare for it, both practically and spiritually. These are tough things to think about. Why do we want to do it?
First, it is because we as humans have the opportunity and the choice to consider our deaths in advance. Unlike animals, we have a long-term awareness of its inevitability. This distinctively human foresight can be seen as a gift or a burden: we prefer to see it as the former.
Second, we do it because the wise Quaker Advices 28-30 relevant to ageing and dying, ask us if we are able to contemplate our deaths and the deaths of those closest to us. This, however difficult, is exactly what we are trying to do, in both personal and general contexts.
Third, we want to see death as natural and acceptable and not something that haunts us and makes us fearful. Instead, we want to incorporate it as part of our lives, so that when it comes it is not a complete stranger. We realise that our dying may be a long or short process, difficult or manageable, painful or peaceful, but whatever happens we are hopeful that some preparation for death will, with the support of those close to us, help us on our way.
Such preparation is rarely applicable to the young except in tragic circumstances, but it becomes increasingly relevant as we age. It is something you can do on your own or with a friend or family member. But in a dedicated group like ours you can also draw on the experience and thoughts of a variety of others, willingly shared.
We find our group work challenging, informative and thought-provoking, sometimes saddening, shocking or depressing, at other times funny, hopeful, inspirational. We always try to inform our talks with compassion and love. Two practical principles underpin the arrangements for our gatherings: we begin every session with a substantial period of worship, and we try to provide time for informal talk and for walks in Woodbrooke’s wonderful garden. These matters, however well ordered, are stressful, and sometimes we need to cut out.
On returning home from our Woodbrooke gatherings we find our appreciation of life sharpened and its value enhanced. We find too that our acceptance of the fact of death does indeed free us to live our lives more fully, as our Advices tell us it will. We plan to continue to explore until the day we die.
Email jill@kenner.plus.com for more information about this group.
