Thought for the Week: Empathy
A Friend reflects on human nature
The hardest thing I have found to conquer in my present family situation is human nature. In recent years I spent time in prison and became estranged from my family, especially my children. The emotional tie to your own blood and the pure need to love and, more problematic, to be loved, is so, so strong. Faced by this, the extreme difficulty in letting go of all seems an impossible mountain to climb at times. To put yourself last, dismissing all your emotional needs, dissolving all selfish desires, subtracting your needs at the absolute base level to feel loved. When contact comes, to stay in that patient, humble, understanding place. Empathy in its purest form is just that, but it is oh so hard to achieve.
As Quakers, we try to embrace empathy and a non-judgemental approach in all its guises, but if you are like me it is sometimes so hard to achieve that perfection of thinking in the real world. I still find myself, when exposed to news items, documentaries or experiences in real life, having weaknesses and a sense of ‘Well, you got what you deserve’. Or ‘you can only blame yourself if you want to live by those values. What goes around, comes around’. Shame instantly follows these dark thoughts, but still they come and maybe that also is ‘human nature’. None of us are perfect.
I have tried so hard to rein in these imperfections. A point of learning from my prison time has helped and I would like to humbly share it: ‘you must accept these imperfections and weaknesses, those dark thoughts, as they are unavoidable in life. It is critical, though, that you instantly challenge them with whatever tools are available. The strongest of those is empathy for those that have been damaged or hurt by your actions.’
If we take this a step further, and in the context of my view of others’ imperfections, my strongest tool is to look deep within myself at my wrongs. How can I possibly condemn or criticise others when my past sins were so deep and so damaging? I therefore try, within that inner challenge, to dig deep and think why they have acted that way or live by those values, rather than simply condemn. It is but a small step, but I feel it helps me towards what I want most – a more empathetic outlook on life and the skills I need to manage any selfish feelings towards my children. Maybe it will help you, too.
Year by year, a little more hope is born. I think the last thing I shared was an indirect contact from my daughter via my uncle, some months ago now, inclusive of words of love and forgiveness. I relayed at the time that if that was all that happened, it would always be enough.
Two weeks ago, I received a direct email from her. It was a brief but loving description of the basics of her life and her desire for my happiness. Hope moves on and with it my desperate need to not break the spell, above all else to understand things from her point of view – to put myself in her place. That is, after all, simply and purely, empathy.
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